


Kuroken crackfic- but like not really?

by eliza_grey276



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Drugs, Established Relationship, Kozume Kenma is a Tease, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Mess, M/M, Nekoma, Secret Relationship, Sugawara Koushi is a Little Shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29124693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eliza_grey276/pseuds/eliza_grey276
Summary: Kenma gets high thanks to stoner Suga and says some shit regular Kenma definitely wouldn't say.Aka Kenma reveals his relationship with Kuroo in the most embarrassing way. Yeah it's like chaos and ooc but I thought it was kinda funny so I guess here it is.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 68





	Kuroken crackfic- but like not really?

It was a practice game against Karasuno when it finally happened. And that was definitely not a coincidence, seeing as it was Karasuno's vice-captain himself who slipped Kenma the joint right before he went into the gym. 

“For luck,” he had whispered, “And to loosen you up,” he tacked on when Kenma gave him a dubious stare. “Seriously dude, you need to calm down. You look really stressed. From one setter to another.” And then the dude, Suga, he thinks his name might’ve been, just winked at him, slapped his arm good-naturedly, and strolled inside the gym like nothing had happened, leaving Kenma with a sore arm (seriously, the dude didn’t know his own strength) and a new number one on his list of strangest interactions.

“Seriously. What the fuck.” Kenma had whispered, staring at the foreign object in his hands. And maybe it was the way Suga had looked at him, with a bit of pity and challenge, or maybe it was his lack of filter from approximately two hours of sleep over four days, but Kenma simply shrugged and lit the joint with the lighter Suga had lent him. 

It wasn’t like it was hard to do. Kenma had seen plenty of the stupid western coming of age movies Nekoma’s team loved to watch, for some odd reason, and in those movies, they always seemed to do something illegal. So he lit the joint with very little trouble and raised it to his lips. 

The inhaling was a bit harder, as it tasted nasty and felt like inhaling super cold air when you were already out of breath. He coughed a bit, and smacked his chest, but realized that, overall, it didn’t feel too bad. So he kept smoking it, the process getting a little easier each time until it was just a nub, and he threw it down into the grass next to the trash can. He stepped on it a bit, grinding his heel into the ground to put out the fire, and found that he did indeed feel a little looser. 

Thanks, Suga, he thought, and he actually giggled at the way he imagined his face in his head. He slapped a hand over his mouth comically and started to stumble his way into the locker room. 

Yes it was definitely Suga’s fault for what happened next. 

Kenma stumbled into the gym locker room, ignoring the questioning looks shot his way. Whispers followed him as he made his way into the corner.

“Hey Kenma?” Lev asked, and Kenma audibly groaned. That was new, he thought, and he wasn’t alone. The strength of the stares increased, and he could practically smell the concern. Lev, oblivious as ever, just continued. “Why do you smell like weed?”

And three things happened at once. 

Yaku, attempting to do damage control, gave Lev a swift kick to the shin. “You can’t just say that!” he hissed, slapping Lev’s neck when he started whining again.

Yamamoto’s head snapped to Lev. “How do you know what that smells like? You got some?” 

But both of their reactions were dwarfed when Kenma snapped, “because I’m high.” 

“You what?” Yaku asked, eying Kenma up and down. 

“I’m high,” he stated matter-of-factly. He didn’t see the trouble in repeating it, as he had already said it. “I smoked a joint outside,” he added on, the weed addling his tongue. 

Stares followed his statement. Their little Kenma, high? Impossible. He was so quiet and emotionless. The fact that he could smoke? Crazy. The shock was palpable, and he thanked any and all gods Kuroo wasn’t there, or else he would’ve been teased forever. Kenma was the only one still moving, making a move to take his shirt off and change. He wasn’t sure why he said it, but it wasn’t like he had said some huge confession, right? What was the big deal with him smoking a joint? He wasn’t some innocent, entirely antisocial hobbit. He scoffed at the thought and faced the team. “What’s the big deal? So what, I smoked a joint. It won’t affect my playing skills. Stop staring at me.” 

The room resumed its motion, albeit with a bit more whispers and glances at Kenma. He heard Lev whisper to Yaku, “that’s the most I’ve ever heard him say!” And heard the slight slap that followed the statement. He rolled his eyes and kept getting dressed when suddenly the room went silent again. Had Kuroo finally walked in? Kenma glanced around. No, he was still absent. He recalled Kuroo telling him that he was talking to Karasuno’s captain before the game, and shook off the unease. He was wearing only boxers now, and his Nekoma jersey. So close to getting out of here, so close to being free of whatever awkwardness gripped the room. 

Kai’s voice ripped through the silence, snatching away Kenma’s dreams of freedom. He almost didn’t hear what he said, only catching the tail end. “... Kuroo’s boxers?” He choked out, staring at Kenma’s hips. 

Shit. Shit shit shit. How was he gonna explain this one? “Umm,” he said very eloquently. 

Yamamoto’s eyes widened. “Holy shit,” he said “They totally are! He was complaining last week about how he looked like a highlighter!” And normally Kenma would’ve snickered about a Kuroo joke, joined in on making fun of the dork, but not now. Now his brain was filled with the very elegant thoughts of “Panic!”

Yaku stepped forward, a frown on his face. “Kenma,” he said slowly. “Why are you wearing Kuroo’s boxers?” 

And Kenma, for once, didn’t just say um. No, he said something much worse. “Must’ve been after that one time.”

He didn’t think their faces could get any more shocked, but they definitely could. Inuoka choked on his water, and Yaku had to beat his back a few times. “What one time?” Kai   
asked hesitantly. 

And the um’s were back. “Ummmm,” Kenma said, color-rising to his cheeks. 

Kuroo chose the absolute perfect time to enter, slamming the door open and laughing at something Daichi said across the gym. It puttered out at the silence awaiting him. 

“Um, guys?” He asked, making his way over to the bathrooms. “Why so quiet?”

“Why is Kenma wearing your boxers?”

“Ummm,” Kuroo said, and if Kenma hadn’t done the exact same thing less than a minute ago, he might’ve smacked his boyfriend. 

“Yeah,” Yamamoto joined in, elbowing Kuroo jokingly, “What, he give you a bro-job?” 

And god damn Kenma’s low tolerance. Goddamn, his lack of sleep. God fucking damn Sugawara Koushi, for what he said next. 

“Yeah. Apparently, I was so good he passed out,” Kenma snickered, then abruptly stopped as he realized what he said.

“Oh shit,” he said loudly, and then the floodgates let loose. 

“What the fuck???”

“You did what?”

“Get it Kenma!” 

“Bro what?”

“Wait what?”

And the loudest reaction of all. Kuroo’s cackling coming from the bathroom. Kenma internally cursed his boyfriend for being such a jerk about his embarrassment. 

Or maybe not so internally, given the stares he was getting as a stream of cuss words came out, and he smacked the asshole across the back of the head. But of course, this just made him laugh harder, so Kenma was stuck in the chaos still going on in the room. 

Kuroo finally stopped his obnoxious laughing, wiping tears from his eyes. “Jeez Kenma you couldn’t have revealed it in some other non-embarrassing way.” 

His scowl grew. “Sorry, the way I revealed our relationship wasn’t good enough for you. Blame it on the weed. And the no gag reflex.”

Yeah, definitely never smoking again. 

But Kuroo just laughed again, though this time was thankfully much shorter. “You are just full of surprises today, aren’t you?”

Kenma scoffed and walked back to his corner. “Just get dressed you loser.” 

“You love me though”

“Do not”

“Do too”

“Do not”

“Do too”

“Do n-“

“Okay, we don’t care if he loves you or not! What the fuck is going on?” Yaku asked impatiently. 

Kenma shrugged. “Kuroo is my boyfriend.” 

Said boyfriend let off a smile that could outshine the sun. “Hell yeah, I am. And if you guys don’t get dressed soon, you’re gonna have to run laps. Coach is already pissed.”   
And with that, the team scrambled to get ready, and Kenma prayed that the topic would not be brought up again. 

No such luck.

The game passed with little to no difference, seeing as everyone was completely devoted to beating their rivals. The only evidence anyone gave that there was a difference was the stares that followed both Kuroo and Kenma, and the hushed questions at breaks. And of course, Kenma was a little louder, a little less focused, due to the little gift he had been given before the game. Maybe that had been Suga’s tactic all along. To get them off their game. Nevertheless, he was sure that his teammates had just accepted the fact   
and moved on. 

No, apparently they had just resolved to do their interrogation later when they cornered Kenma during cleanup. The cowards didn’t even do it to Kuroo, just deciding to prey on Kenma because he was high. Jerks. 

“How could you guys not tell us? Aren’t we like your only friends?” Yamamoto was asking, a comically sad look on his face. Kenma scowled.

“I have other friends.”

“But still. How could you hide it from us? We’re a team!” 

“We didn’t hide it. Leave me alone.”

“What do you mean you didn’t hide it? I’ve literally never seen you guys do anything romantic. Ever” Inuoka joined in. 

“Yeah like you don’t hold hands, or-“

“Yes, we do.” 

They started to think, and Yamamoto’s eye widened a smidge. “Oh shit, you do.”

“Not the point!” Inuoka accused, “You don’t even kiss or anything!”

Kenma’s brow furrowed. “Yes, we do.”

“Since when?”

“Yeah, since when? You guys have never kissed in front of me.”

“Kuroo,” Kenma pulled him over from where he was putting on his jacket.

“What’s up?” he asked, noting the interrogation. 

“I kiss you, right?”

“Huh? Oh yeah sure.” He added, half distracted. 

“No, he does not!” Inuoka cried in indignation. “You’re just agreeing with him because you’re a simp!” 

Kenma sighed, fed up with this conversation, and pulled Kuroo down by the neck of his jersey for a short kiss. “See? I kiss him. Right Kuroo?”

Kuroo seemed to be currently out of commission, based on how his mouth hung open and his face flushed. “Uh- yeah. Yeah, you kiss me totally yeah. Um, I’m going to gay- Go! Go I’m going to go” 

He walked off, mumbling something about Kenma and weed, all with a face as red as their uniform. 

“Simp,” Yamamoto scoffed, and Kenma shot an incredulous look at him.

“Wanna go talk to their manager?”

“Oh shut up weed boy”

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, this is so bad, but I was found it while I was scrounging around my google docs, and I really wanted to delete it, so here we are? I just wanted high Kenma and simp Kuroo so


End file.
